Attachment in the Therapeutic Relationship
If the wound is relational, the healing must be relational.
Many approach therapy as a cognitive exercise. They may say, "I need to get my mind right" or "I've got to work on responding differently to my triggers." What many discover in a deep therapeutic process is that many of the issues actually stem from relational wounding. For example: Yes, you may struggle with anxiety and it may seem "random" and "out of nowhere". But when you get down to it you discover it's actually because it was never actually safe for you to express your fears as a kid and you always had to handle things on your own, before you were actually able to. Anxiety makes plenty of sense as a response in that context.
What many find in deep, transformational forms of therapy is that at the heart of their issues lies a difficulty with relationships, not just difficulty with a certain set of symptoms. What then, is the solution? For many years this is a dynamic that therapists have known experientially: that healing often lies in the repairing of relational experiences via the therapeutic relationship.
Some get uncomfortable when we start talking about the relationship between therapist and client. Perhaps it seems too vulnerable, or they may label it "weird" to feel deeply connected to their therapist. They may dismiss the relationship altogether because they pay for the therapist's services, "so the relationship isn't actually real". Others may not have found a therapist they feel truly safe with, which is a whole other issue to address.
Great therapy is a stage in which to play out your relational questions, hopes, fears, and struggles. It is a safe container in which to explore territory that may not have ever been safe before. It is model for how to relate both with self and with others. We humans learn best experientially, and this holds true in the therapy world too.
Do not be afraid to test your own relationship with your therapist, to see if they seem like a person whom you could truly, deeply trust. Perhaps that trust isn't fully there yet, but is there potential for it? Does this feel a bit different somehow from previous unhealthy relationships? Sometimes that newness can be scary, but it could point to good potential for your relational healing. And with that you might just address the real root of your struggles.
A good therapist should hold this weighty place in your life with honor, respect, reverence and healthy boundaries. A good therapist is not uncomfortable with the fact that there's something unique about the way you feel about us. A good therapist knows that is a sign that healing can flow in this environment of safety and trust.
If the wound is relational, the healing must be relational.
Written by Mary Beth Stevens, LPCC, BCN