Worried about your child’s behavior or emotional regulation? 10 Tips to Help.

As someone who loves working with kids, working with parents comes along with the territory. I have had many questions recently from parents asking what they can do to help their child regulate emotions and behaviors more easily. Here’s the list of the most common tips I give to parents:

Be consistent

Kids respond well to a consistent schedule. Obviously, life can get chaotic at times, but do your best to have a set bedtime, wake time, and time to eat!

Be clear

When stating rules of your household, be clear and concise. Let your kids know specific consequences. It can get confusing for your kids if they miss a day of completing homework, and you take away screen time for the next two days, and ALSO don’t let them play with a friend that weekend. It can help to change your language when stating consequences. “You can choose to fight with your brother and choose to lose TV time for the day, or you can choose to have a calm voice/body and choose to watch TV today.”

Follow through

Give choices/consequences you’re willing to follow through with. Let’s say your kid lost their screen time for a week. The moment you give it back to them early (without earning it back), they will realize that they can get away with bad behavior and not get a full consequence.

Keep it short

If your child has made a mistake, express in as little words as possible why it was wrong and how it can be corrected instead of giving a lecture. “It looks like that hurt them. What could you do to make this better?”

Label your own emotions

Kids learn from their parents. If you try to hide being upset, it will still show in your actions. Being aware of your own emotions is one of the best ways to teach emotional intelligence. “I am feeling tired because I had a hard day at work today.”

Allow them to feel difficult emotions

Another great way to help kids gain emotional intelligence is to allow them to feel difficult emotions. Instead of saying, “it’s okay, you’re okay” when they fall and hurt themselves, you could empathize with them and say “I know you’re hurting right now. Would you like a bandage?” Or, if they are crying, you can tell them, “I see you’re upset. Is there a way I can help you?”

Name what coping strategies you use

Once again, kids learn by modeling. If your child is upset but doesn’t know what to do, you could say, “When I’m feeling mad, I like to take deep breaths.” “…I like to have alone time.” “…I like to walk away.”

Allow them to cope in a way that is natural to them

If they tend to throw things, give them an area of a room that is okay to throw a ball at a target. If they cry, allow them to cry. If they hit, allow them to squeeze a toy or pillow, or hit a punching bag.

Allow natural consequences

If they’re fighting because they don’t want to put a coat on, let them go outside without a coat. They will get cold and want to wear a coat next time. If they say they’re not hungry for lunch, let them skip. Skipping one meal is not going to harm your child and they will realize how hungry they get before dinner.

Encourage intrinsic motivation

Growing up learning to meet other’s expectations can be more harmful than helpful. Instead of saying, “I like that picture you drew!” You could say, “You used so many different colors in that picture!” Instead of “great job!” You could say, “You did that all on your own!” Motivation coming from within instead of trying to please others is great for growing independence. 

Written by: Olivia Clark, MA, LPC