10 Tips for Setting Boundaries
Being a good person is typically seen as a strength, right? If that’s the case, then why is being ”too caring” a trait that many of our clients will list as a weakness? The answer: boundaries. We are taught to put other’s needs before our own, but are not taught that it is okay to say no when things become too much for us to handle. We’re human. We get tired and worn out. Sometimes we need a break and That. Is. Okay.
We can set boundaries for our:
- Personal space: e.g. feeling like someone is in our “bubble”
- Sexuality- e.g. what we are comfortable with in intimacy
- Emotions and thoughts- e.g. needing time to unwind after work
- Possessions- e.g. lending money to a friend
- Time and energy- e.g. helping a friend in the little free time we have
- Culture- e.g. religion, morals, etc.
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, and it does take practice. Here’s some things to think about that may help:
1. Know your limits. Identify your personal, mental, and spiritual limits. Maybe you have a friend that sucks the energy out of you because their social threshold is much higher than yours. Notice your social limit and let your friend know that you need a night at home. Maybe you need time to decompress after a long, stressful day of work. Notice that mental limit and let your spouse know that you need 20 minutes of alone time when you get home.
2. Tune into your feelings. Boundary setting can result in many different emotions. It’s normal to feel fear and self-doubt when you first set a boundary. You may feel guilt when you have to enforce a boundary. These feelings are okay and will eventually dissipate. If you notice yourself starting to feel resentment and discomfort, it may be a sign that you’re letting go of boundaries. Check in with yourself and figure out where the discomfort is coming from.
3. Be direct. When you’re setting a boundary, make sure to be direct in your dialogue. Clear-cut boundaries are easier to understand, and easier to enforce. Make your boundaries specific.
4. Give yourself permission. This goes back to tuning into your feelings. As fear, self-doubt, and guilt are normal when setting boundaries, they can also be potential barriers. Give yourself permission to set and keep boundaries, and allow yourself to remember that it is not selfish to focus on your mental health.
5. Consider your circumstances. Your boundaries, or lack of boundaries, could have stemmed from how you were raised or your current role in your family. These circumstances could be potential barriers to setting and enforcing boundaries. If you are someone who needs time to unwind after work, but you have kids, getting 20 minutes of alone time after work is probably not realistic. As an alternative, you could drive around for an extra few minutes before pulling into your driveway, or sit in your car in the parking lot at work before leaving to go home. If you are trying to set a boundary of not cleaning up after your partner, but have done so from the beginning of your relationship, it might take extra time and effort- and maybe a dirty house- to enforce the boundary.
6. Make self-care a priority. You can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. Self-care isn’t always facemasks and bath bombs. It could be going to bed 30 minutes earlier, taking 10 minutes out of your day to read a book, prepping meals to minimize eating out. Self-care is arguably the most important thing to consider when setting boundaries. Give yourself permission to put yourself first.
7. Allow yourself to seek support. If you’re having a hard time with setting boundaries, it is okay to reach out for help. This could be a support group, counseling, or a good friend. It is normal to seek validation for the boundaries you are trying to set, especially if you are not used to focusing on yourself. Sometimes, all you need is a reminder that setting boundaries isn’t selfish.
8. Be assertive. Confrontation can often times be very difficult. However, it is so important to be assertive and let someone know when they have crossed the line. It is bound to happen when you first set a boundary, so in order to successfully enforce your boundary, you need to open the line of communication and let that person know.
9. Start small. Along with prioritizing self-care, starting with baby steps is another major factor in setting boundaries. Start with setting a small boundary that will be easy for you to enforce, and then work your way up from there.
10. Reassess your boundaries. Just because a boundary should be specific doesn’t mean your boundaries can’t change. As you grow and change, your boundaries will too. If you have a difficult time enforcing a boundary, it is okay to take a step back and shift the boundary to be enforced more easily. As boundaries become easier to enforce, it is okay to add more or different boundaries. Make sure to reassess your boundaries as time goes on in order to keep them specific to your needs.
Written by: Olivia Clark