How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

Grief is a multifaceted emotion, and it can be really difficult know what to do to help someone grieving. Going with the typical “it will be okay”, “it will work out next time”, “time will heal”, “just pray about it” isn’t usually the best way to make someone feel supported, and in fact, tends to make people feel invalidated. Here are some tips that may help you help someone who is grieving:

1.       Be a good listener

Active listening rather than listening to respond may be one of the most difficult but important things to do when it comes to being a support for someone grieving. It can be hard to make space for someone when such strong emotion is present, but giving a short answer such as “it will all be okay” tends to minimize the person’s emotions, and makes them feel like there is a limit on how long they can be sad.

2.       Leave them care packages

Care packages are a nice way of showing someone that you are thinking of them, while giving them space to grieve. They also come in handy if distance is an issue in being able to support someone!

3.       Be specific about how you can help

Offering help in specific ways gives the person grieving an opportunity to rest. It can be overwhelming to deal with other things that come along with grief while also trying to think of how someone can help. If you offer your help in a specific way, it takes some responsibility away from the person grieving.

4.       Ask questions

It can be easy to ignore grief when someone appears “fine”. It’s okay to ask how the person is feeling today, as grief can ebb and flow.

5.       Remember dates

Remembering dates, big or small, can make someone grieving feel supported. It can feel good to get a text or card on big dates such as anniversaries, holidays, birthdays. It can also be good to get a “thinking of you” message on any day, too!

6.       Don’t avoid the topic

It’s okay to talk about or ask questions about the situation that caused the grief. Many people don’t want to “overstep” or “make them sad”, but the person grieving is already sad. They may not want to talk about it, and in that case, they can tell you just that. It can be easier to move on from the subject if they don’t want to talk about it rather than bring up the subject in the middle of another conversation if they do want to talk about it.

7.       Let them be sad

As I said before, grief ebbs and flows. If a person is having a sad day (or week), let them. Minimizing sadness can feel invalidating, and suppressing emotions only makes it worse.

8.       Know there is no timeline for grief

Everyone grieves in their own time, and shows grief in their own way. One person may show grief by getting angry while another may show it by crying a lot. One person may seem fine right away, and then break down later while another person may be distraught immediately, but seem like they are able to move on more quickly. There is no right way to grieve, and judging someone for taking longer to be okay is never helpful.

9.       Understand that there are many situations that may cause someone to grieve.

Grief can be caused by actual loss, or perceived loss. Losing a family member or pet, learning about a medical diagnosis that can change the trajectory of life, life transitions, ideas for your future not coming to fruition. It’s important to understand that there can be happiness and grief at the same time. Leaving a toxic relationship is ultimately a good thing and can make someone feel relieved, and at the same time grieve the end of the relationship. Losing a family member to whom you have been the caretaker can also bring relief and grief. It is okay to feel any and all emotions that come along with grief- good and bad.

Remember the most important thing is to just be present for someone grieving.

Written by: Olivia Clark, LPCC, BCN