Getting to know protective parts of ourselves: An IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy Exercise

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, there is an assumption that all humans have different parts of themselves. Have you ever said to yourself something like, "A part of me feels like…but another part of me thinks…." You have? Congrats, you're a normal person. With different parts, or facets, of your personality.

It can be an enriching and healing process to go inside and interact with these different parts of us, to give attention to them and interact with them as if they are another character inside us with their own opinions, beliefs, and priorities.

Prominent in most people's inner worlds are characters we might call Protectors. These parts have priorities to protect you from pain. These parts have great intentions (who doesn't want to avoid pain?), but often can result in some difficult behaviors that get in the way. For example, a perfectionistic part of me likes to say, "I don't need to start this activity until I have the time to devote in order to make it perfect." This part is trying to protect me from failure and rejection if I don't do things just right. But that gets in the way! Sometimes I just need to get things done whether they end up being great, or just good enough.

The following exercise helps you get to know one of these protective parts of your system. Look inside and communicate with this part of you.

Think of a time that you reacted in a certain way to an event--a reaction that was not grounded in compassion, gentleness, wisdom or clarity. Maybe it's a time you reacted in anger-- that's an angry part of you. Maybe it's a time where you exhibited people pleasing--this might be a people pleaser part of you. Other times it might be an intellectual part. Or an anxious part. Or an inner critic.

• Think about this part of your personality. Where in your body do you notice this part showing up? (Examples: an anxious part might show up in butterflies in the stomach. Or when thinking about an angry part, you might notice your fists balling up.)

• Focus on this part. Turn your attention inside.

• Can you imagine seeing this part? What does it look like? Sound like? Do you imagine it doing something when you see it?

• How do you feel toward this part?

  • Often here another part of us, sometimes a critical part, will jump in and influence these thoughts.

  • In this exercise, we are trying to let True Self emerge so that the Real You can interact with this other part of you. True Self looks like this:

    • Calm

    • Clarity

    • Compassion

    • Creativity

    • Connectedness

    • Courage

    • Curiosity

    • Confidence

  • If your impulse towards this part of you isn't characterized by the above 8 C's, another part is jumping in to influence the process. Gently ask if this other part can step to the side right now so you can connect with the target part while embodying the above 8 C's of the True Self.

• Befriend the part by finding out more about it. You can ask questions of this part like the following:

  • How did it get this role?

  • If it didn't have to do this role, what would it rather do?

  • How old is it?

  • How old does it think you are?

  • What else does it want you to know?

• What does this part fear?

  • What does it want for you?

  • What would happen if it stopped doing its job?

In these kind of parts interactions, it is important to remember to interact with this part as you would interact with someone else you're meeting for the first time. You want to be kind, open, curious, and benevolent, because you are interested to get to know this part, and you don't want to be rude.

For further exercises like this one, I highly recommend the book No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz, PhD. https://www.amazon.com/No-Bad-Parts-Restoring-Wholeness/dp/1683646681/ref=sr_1_1?crid=KZ6GBOWEB7BC&keywords=no+bad+parts&qid=1656514933&sprefix=no+bad+parts%2Caps%2C112&sr=8-1

Written by: Mary Beth Stevens, M.Ed, LPC, BCN